Blank page

Thinking of starting this up again - - - as a brain dump, an outlet, a release of the pent up feelings &/or moods.

 

Staring at the empty, white, blank page - thinking over the past few years... Life, covid, travel nursing, being a nurse in a hospital (stepdown & covid units), living 8 hours from home, & living apart from my (now) fiance. The blank page - How do I want to restart this? How do I begin? What do I want to say? Where do I want this to go? Nursing related? Travel nurse related? Motorhome/camper related? Or do I just ramble on following whatever path the random squirrels in my head take. A blank page can be a wonderful beginning - so full of promise and potential. However, that same blank page can elicit a myriad of anxiety of choosing something... anything... but what if it's the wrong thing, or no one likes it, or if I don't keep up with this like before? (Let's be honest - the likelihood of anyone finding this or ever reading it is, at best, slim to none.)

A new life -

Years have passed & life has changed and spun around a few times over since I last thought of typing out my thoughts & life.

I graduated with my ADN & then went back to get my BSN almost a year later.

I worked at my "home hospital" for 3 years in the ICU/telemetry unit.

Dating & all the crazy stories to be had from those adventures only to find a great adventure & life partner when I was not even looking.

Began travel nursing in January of 2020, just before this thing called "Covid-19" emerged on the worlds' stage and flipped the world upside down.

Purchased a Class A motor home in October of 2020 & began using it in November of 2020 as my "home away from home" while traveling as a nurse. Benson Ulysses Scout (B.U.S.) started his own new adventure as a traveling nurse & eventually as traveling nurse family home in northern Indiana.

There may never be a reader or 'loyal followers' for this little slice of the internet; especially since the world has moved on to TikTok videos, SnapChat, & whatever else the newest fad is. But this is more for me - a traveling nurse trying to find & live out her life to the best of her enjoyment while helping people along the way & enjoying all the crazy "you-can't-make-this-shit-up" stories & claiming all the happiness there is to find in this world!

Here's to new adventures and whatever that new life entails!

Maybe this helps explain...

I can be alone but alone is better with someone you care about.

Fiercely independent?

It can be difficult to explain me to someone else.  I've often said that I'm a contradiction.  The most reality minded dreamer you will meet.  I'm strong but yet sensitive & vulnerable.  I'm independent but yet want someone around.  I want blue skies & sunshine but yet I love the rain storms.

I've claimed for years that I'm fiercely independent.  After talking with a friend I may have to retire the label of "fiercely independent".  I'm independent in the way that I don't NEED someone, I can & do get by on my own just fine, but I want someone.  I enjoy my time to myself but I like just having somebody around.  I can do things by myself, from home projects to entertaining myself, but I'm also able to ask for help or ask someone to do something (still working on the emotional help requests though).

I'm usually up for anything!  Trying a new restaurant, new music, a road trip, meeting new people, new experiences of any kind really.  There's an old country song that has the line "She likes adventure with security" - I always loved that line, it just seemed to fit with how I felt most of the time.

But how do I explain this to someone?  I know there are no hard & fast rules, not everything is all or nothing.  But how to translate that I'm independent but yet I still would rather have you around?  How do I convey that while I don't let it show what you said or did hurt me?  Or that while I'm confident in myself & how I am & how I feel, I still like compliments, validations & reassurances?

Idle Tuesday ramblings

If I'm listening to music I like I tend to sing along.  Ok - unless I'm in public I sing along.  Here's my problem:  I currently have about 2 hours between classes this semester.  Not too bad as it gives me time to have lunch, do homework &/or study.  But I've plugged in my headphones & listened to youtube & I keep catching myself about ready to start singing along.  This may not be a issue other than I'm sitting outside classrooms with open doors & people constantly walking by.  It's bad enough that I get busted chair dancing I don't need to add my singing along to it!

Not to mention that I'm pretty sure I still get busted for faces I make when I wear my glasses.  I need to keep reminding myself that regular glasses aren't sunglasses - people can see yours eyes.  Oops!

One month left in this semester.... I still wonder if all this is worth it in the end.  Outwardly I can be optimistic about it all - It's just a means to an end; The frustration & headaches will be worth it; Just think of the good I can bring to my future patients; etc.... But in the not-so-quiet of my mind the doubts and insecurities wander in.  But such is the way my mind works - on everything really. 

It doesn't really help that I feel burned out on school.  I just want to be done - done with the drive; done with the homework; done with the studying; done with the extra headaches beyond work, family, & life in general.  Sigh.....

Ham or eggs?

Music inspired thoughts

How do you give your heart, give of yourself?  Do you give your whole heart all at once?  Or gradually, piece by piece?  Or do you give your whole heart in the beginning & then over time take back pieces as they do things you don't like?  Do you ever really give your whole heart or do you always hold a piece back, just in case?  I don't know if there's a right way or a wrong way to jump off the cliff into love & relationships.

We all want the idea of unconditional love.  Someone who will love us despite our faults & flaws.  Someone who finds our quirks charming (most of the time anyway) instead of a cause for a fight or a reason to say we're "wrong" or "bad" for having them.  I think it's possible to have that version of unconditional love.  Now don't get me wrong - there are things, comments or actions, that could cause my love to waver or even stop but those things aren't "conditions".  Not in the sense that "If you don't cheat on me then I will love you".  Then I would always be wondering or questioning if that person were true before I could love them that day/week/month.  If/then conditions (if you do/don't to this then I will love you) really have no place in love. 

However, everybody has breaking points or things that are non-negotiable to them in relationships.  Lying, cheating, stealing, to name a few.  But if you are in fear of those things happening that fear begins to taint the time that those things don't happen. 

What's easier to admit to another, your feelings or your mistakes/disappointments?  We always want to "put our best foot forward" but if you think about it it's someone's weaknesses or fears that endears them to us.  I am horrible about showing my weaknesses, the soft underbelly that is me.  I know this & even knowing it doesn't make it easy to let my guard down.

It's all a process...