Friday, April 24, 2015

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Fiercely independent?

It can be difficult to explain me to someone else.  I've often said that I'm a contradiction.  The most reality minded dreamer you will meet.  I'm strong but yet sensitive & vulnerable.  I'm independent but yet want someone around.  I want blue skies & sunshine but yet I love the rain storms.

I've claimed for years that I'm fiercely independent.  After talking with a friend I may have to retire the label of "fiercely independent".  I'm independent in the way that I don't NEED someone, I can & do get by on my own just fine, but I want someone.  I enjoy my time to myself but I like just having somebody around.  I can do things by myself, from home projects to entertaining myself, but I'm also able to ask for help or ask someone to do something (still working on the emotional help requests though).

I'm usually up for anything!  Trying a new restaurant, new music, a road trip, meeting new people, new experiences of any kind really.  There's an old country song that has the line "She likes adventure with security" - I always loved that line, it just seemed to fit with how I felt most of the time.

But how do I explain this to someone?  I know there are no hard & fast rules, not everything is all or nothing.  But how to translate that I'm independent but yet I still would rather have you around?  How do I convey that while I don't let it show what you said or did hurt me?  Or that while I'm confident in myself & how I am & how I feel, I still like compliments, validations & reassurances?

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Idle Tuesday ramblings

If I'm listening to music I like I tend to sing along.  Ok - unless I'm in public I sing along.  Here's my problem:  I currently have about 2 hours between classes this semester.  Not too bad as it gives me time to have lunch, do homework &/or study.  But I've plugged in my headphones & listened to youtube & I keep catching myself about ready to start singing along.  This may not be a issue other than I'm sitting outside classrooms with open doors & people constantly walking by.  It's bad enough that I get busted chair dancing I don't need to add my singing along to it!

Not to mention that I'm pretty sure I still get busted for faces I make when I wear my glasses.  I need to keep reminding myself that regular glasses aren't sunglasses - people can see yours eyes.  Oops!

One month left in this semester.... I still wonder if all this is worth it in the end.  Outwardly I can be optimistic about it all - It's just a means to an end; The frustration & headaches will be worth it; Just think of the good I can bring to my future patients; etc.... But in the not-so-quiet of my mind the doubts and insecurities wander in.  But such is the way my mind works - on everything really. 

It doesn't really help that I feel burned out on school.  I just want to be done - done with the drive; done with the homework; done with the studying; done with the extra headaches beyond work, family, & life in general.  Sigh.....

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Music inspired thoughts

How do you give your heart, give of yourself?  Do you give your whole heart all at once?  Or gradually, piece by piece?  Or do you give your whole heart in the beginning & then over time take back pieces as they do things you don't like?  Do you ever really give your whole heart or do you always hold a piece back, just in case?  I don't know if there's a right way or a wrong way to jump off the cliff into love & relationships.

We all want the idea of unconditional love.  Someone who will love us despite our faults & flaws.  Someone who finds our quirks charming (most of the time anyway) instead of a cause for a fight or a reason to say we're "wrong" or "bad" for having them.  I think it's possible to have that version of unconditional love.  Now don't get me wrong - there are things, comments or actions, that could cause my love to waver or even stop but those things aren't "conditions".  Not in the sense that "If you don't cheat on me then I will love you".  Then I would always be wondering or questioning if that person were true before I could love them that day/week/month.  If/then conditions (if you do/don't to this then I will love you) really have no place in love. 

However, everybody has breaking points or things that are non-negotiable to them in relationships.  Lying, cheating, stealing, to name a few.  But if you are in fear of those things happening that fear begins to taint the time that those things don't happen. 

What's easier to admit to another, your feelings or your mistakes/disappointments?  We always want to "put our best foot forward" but if you think about it it's someone's weaknesses or fears that endears them to us.  I am horrible about showing my weaknesses, the soft underbelly that is me.  I know this & even knowing it doesn't make it easy to let my guard down.

It's all a process...

Friday, March 20, 2015

1st Day of Spring

I seem to be "ruled" by moods.  If the mood hits for something - from what music to listen to, to cleaning the house I usually find myself following where it leads.  On the other side of this coin though is if I'm just not "feeling it" it's difficult to get me to do it.

This morning after getting put on call I got the hair to sort, pitch &/or donate.  Honestly, I just wanted to throw away whatever it was that I came across that I no longer wanted or needed.  Then the thought comes that I could probably sell some of these items & make some money.  But, come on, realistically - would I take the time to post the items for sale, arrange pick up, (most likely negotiate price, given people's love for an extra deal), & then wait around for someone to pick them up - probably not.  So the donate pile is a little bit bigger than it could be.  

Ok - So I'm not going to spend my time making money on my unwanted stuff.  The next thought that seems to hold me up at times is that I wonder what to do with stuff that has some sentimental connection.  Not always a sentimental meaning but stuff that I can remember was a gift from someone.  If I get ride of "item x" that was a gift from family will they think I didn't appreciate it?  That I didn't like it?  Chances are they probably won't know, or care if I no longer need or use it & decide to pass it along to someone who might.  But these are the thoughts that go through my head at moments like that.  Don't even get me started on things that really have sentimental value & meaning to me.

When the clean, pitch &/or donate mood hits it seems to be of the ADD cleaning variety.  The kind where you spend 6 hours doing but at the end it seems like you didn't really do that much.  That's because I go from room to room, project to project & in the end, while there really has been progress it doesn't always show as well as one spotless room.  Although I do have to say today there was a pretty good dent made in the porch.  There's still cleaning - vacuuming, dusting, & the like - that needs to be done.  But there's the promise of being able to use the porch this summer as just that, the porch.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Spinning my wheels

I drive 3 hours a day, twice a week to get to class.  Currently it's for 2 classes that I'm not largely interested in.  Does not help with the drive.  Autopilot kicks in & I find myself watching the tree tops, scanning for hawks or something else interesting.  Or looking at the tree line for deer in the early morning or evening hours.

I started this "Let's go back to school" thing probably 5 years ago now.  I feel like I'm so close to being done but yet it feels so far away.  If everything goes as planned I should be done in a little over a year from now.  But honestly I've said that a couple times now & things have not gone as planned.  Starting to wonder if it's been a waste of time, energy, effort, & money.  I feel as if I'm just spinning my wheels & not really going anywhere...  On one hand I've come too far to just quit without anything to show for it.  But then again as "bored, restless, & fidgety" as I've felt lately I just don't know.

"Bored, restless, & fidgety" is not a new feeling for me.  It comes and goes without any real pattern.  Usually it means I need a change of scenery, or a shift in routine or perspective.  I do know that being behind on sleep over the past week or so certainly doesn't help.

For the most part I'm pretty content with life as it is.  I generally enjoy my job but I also know that I don't want to it forever - hence, the school thing.  Honestly what I want?  I want to know that after all this, these long 5+ years, that I will finish/pass school & pass my boards.  That I'll find a nursing job that I love, even with the headaches that it will bring.  That my hope/plan will work out - that this annoying frustration, hours upon hours on the highway, lost sleep & sanity will be worth it.  Is that too much to ask?

Well looking back over previous posts this still seems to fit (some that is but not all) Here's the link