Maybe this helps explain...

I can be alone but alone is better with someone you care about.

Fiercely independent?

It can be difficult to explain me to someone else.  I've often said that I'm a contradiction.  The most reality minded dreamer you will meet.  I'm strong but yet sensitive & vulnerable.  I'm independent but yet want someone around.  I want blue skies & sunshine but yet I love the rain storms.

I've claimed for years that I'm fiercely independent.  After talking with a friend I may have to retire the label of "fiercely independent".  I'm independent in the way that I don't NEED someone, I can & do get by on my own just fine, but I want someone.  I enjoy my time to myself but I like just having somebody around.  I can do things by myself, from home projects to entertaining myself, but I'm also able to ask for help or ask someone to do something (still working on the emotional help requests though).

I'm usually up for anything!  Trying a new restaurant, new music, a road trip, meeting new people, new experiences of any kind really.  There's an old country song that has the line "She likes adventure with security" - I always loved that line, it just seemed to fit with how I felt most of the time.

But how do I explain this to someone?  I know there are no hard & fast rules, not everything is all or nothing.  But how to translate that I'm independent but yet I still would rather have you around?  How do I convey that while I don't let it show what you said or did hurt me?  Or that while I'm confident in myself & how I am & how I feel, I still like compliments, validations & reassurances?

Idle Tuesday ramblings

If I'm listening to music I like I tend to sing along.  Ok - unless I'm in public I sing along.  Here's my problem:  I currently have about 2 hours between classes this semester.  Not too bad as it gives me time to have lunch, do homework &/or study.  But I've plugged in my headphones & listened to youtube & I keep catching myself about ready to start singing along.  This may not be a issue other than I'm sitting outside classrooms with open doors & people constantly walking by.  It's bad enough that I get busted chair dancing I don't need to add my singing along to it!

Not to mention that I'm pretty sure I still get busted for faces I make when I wear my glasses.  I need to keep reminding myself that regular glasses aren't sunglasses - people can see yours eyes.  Oops!

One month left in this semester.... I still wonder if all this is worth it in the end.  Outwardly I can be optimistic about it all - It's just a means to an end; The frustration & headaches will be worth it; Just think of the good I can bring to my future patients; etc.... But in the not-so-quiet of my mind the doubts and insecurities wander in.  But such is the way my mind works - on everything really. 

It doesn't really help that I feel burned out on school.  I just want to be done - done with the drive; done with the homework; done with the studying; done with the extra headaches beyond work, family, & life in general.  Sigh.....

Ham or eggs?

Music inspired thoughts

How do you give your heart, give of yourself?  Do you give your whole heart all at once?  Or gradually, piece by piece?  Or do you give your whole heart in the beginning & then over time take back pieces as they do things you don't like?  Do you ever really give your whole heart or do you always hold a piece back, just in case?  I don't know if there's a right way or a wrong way to jump off the cliff into love & relationships.

We all want the idea of unconditional love.  Someone who will love us despite our faults & flaws.  Someone who finds our quirks charming (most of the time anyway) instead of a cause for a fight or a reason to say we're "wrong" or "bad" for having them.  I think it's possible to have that version of unconditional love.  Now don't get me wrong - there are things, comments or actions, that could cause my love to waver or even stop but those things aren't "conditions".  Not in the sense that "If you don't cheat on me then I will love you".  Then I would always be wondering or questioning if that person were true before I could love them that day/week/month.  If/then conditions (if you do/don't to this then I will love you) really have no place in love. 

However, everybody has breaking points or things that are non-negotiable to them in relationships.  Lying, cheating, stealing, to name a few.  But if you are in fear of those things happening that fear begins to taint the time that those things don't happen. 

What's easier to admit to another, your feelings or your mistakes/disappointments?  We always want to "put our best foot forward" but if you think about it it's someone's weaknesses or fears that endears them to us.  I am horrible about showing my weaknesses, the soft underbelly that is me.  I know this & even knowing it doesn't make it easy to let my guard down.

It's all a process...

1st Day of Spring

I seem to be "ruled" by moods.  If the mood hits for something - from what music to listen to, to cleaning the house I usually find myself following where it leads.  On the other side of this coin though is if I'm just not "feeling it" it's difficult to get me to do it.

This morning after getting put on call I got the hair to sort, pitch &/or donate.  Honestly, I just wanted to throw away whatever it was that I came across that I no longer wanted or needed.  Then the thought comes that I could probably sell some of these items & make some money.  But, come on, realistically - would I take the time to post the items for sale, arrange pick up, (most likely negotiate price, given people's love for an extra deal), & then wait around for someone to pick them up - probably not.  So the donate pile is a little bit bigger than it could be.  

Ok - So I'm not going to spend my time making money on my unwanted stuff.  The next thought that seems to hold me up at times is that I wonder what to do with stuff that has some sentimental connection.  Not always a sentimental meaning but stuff that I can remember was a gift from someone.  If I get ride of "item x" that was a gift from family will they think I didn't appreciate it?  That I didn't like it?  Chances are they probably won't know, or care if I no longer need or use it & decide to pass it along to someone who might.  But these are the thoughts that go through my head at moments like that.  Don't even get me started on things that really have sentimental value & meaning to me.

When the clean, pitch &/or donate mood hits it seems to be of the ADD cleaning variety.  The kind where you spend 6 hours doing but at the end it seems like you didn't really do that much.  That's because I go from room to room, project to project & in the end, while there really has been progress it doesn't always show as well as one spotless room.  Although I do have to say today there was a pretty good dent made in the porch.  There's still cleaning - vacuuming, dusting, & the like - that needs to be done.  But there's the promise of being able to use the porch this summer as just that, the porch.

Spinning my wheels

I drive 3 hours a day, twice a week to get to class.  Currently it's for 2 classes that I'm not largely interested in.  Does not help with the drive.  Autopilot kicks in & I find myself watching the tree tops, scanning for hawks or something else interesting.  Or looking at the tree line for deer in the early morning or evening hours.

I started this "Let's go back to school" thing probably 5 years ago now.  I feel like I'm so close to being done but yet it feels so far away.  If everything goes as planned I should be done in a little over a year from now.  But honestly I've said that a couple times now & things have not gone as planned.  Starting to wonder if it's been a waste of time, energy, effort, & money.  I feel as if I'm just spinning my wheels & not really going anywhere...  On one hand I've come too far to just quit without anything to show for it.  But then again as "bored, restless, & fidgety" as I've felt lately I just don't know.

"Bored, restless, & fidgety" is not a new feeling for me.  It comes and goes without any real pattern.  Usually it means I need a change of scenery, or a shift in routine or perspective.  I do know that being behind on sleep over the past week or so certainly doesn't help.

For the most part I'm pretty content with life as it is.  I generally enjoy my job but I also know that I don't want to it forever - hence, the school thing.  Honestly what I want?  I want to know that after all this, these long 5+ years, that I will finish/pass school & pass my boards.  That I'll find a nursing job that I love, even with the headaches that it will bring.  That my hope/plan will work out - that this annoying frustration, hours upon hours on the highway, lost sleep & sanity will be worth it.  Is that too much to ask?

Well looking back over previous posts this still seems to fit (some that is but not all) Here's the link

Looping

Does your mind ever seem to get stuck on a loop?  That you just keep replaying certain thoughts, ideas, or conversations?  Where you know it's happening but you just can't seem to stop the soundtrack in your mind.  Your thoughts are probably even unlikely, incorrect, or just a product of lack of sleep or lack of food.  Even knowing all this your stuck on the screwed up merry-go-round.

There are times that joining the circus seems like a plausible idea. Obviously, this is not a new thought for me {Link}.  I think at least once a year the circus looks like a good option for a change of scenery or a change of pace.  While I'm always up for a road trip or new adventure, I think this current feeling could be helped by a good (read: 6+ uninterrupted hours) nights sleep.  That & maybe a big hug :)

Kinda like today

Importance, pt. 2

Nothing like waking up at 3:00 in the morning & writing in your head, dozing off & then waking up again only to pick back up where you left off.

Another item to add to the list of important things to me in relationships.

Gestures - Wildflowers picked & given with a smile, coffee & muffin delivery before work, a note tucked in a coat pocket, a mix tape/cd (remember those?!) with songs that remind them of you/your relationship.  Little things that let you know you're thought about, that you're special, wanted, needed, desired.  A lingering kiss when saying good bye that says you don't really want to go.  Being grabbed & kissed with an urgency that leaves you breathless.  Cooking a special meal, brushing the hair out of your face, making the perfect cup of coffee - just like they like it.  I had a woman at work tell me that her husband brings her cappuccino in bed every morning, for the past 10 years or so.  She doesn't even know how to use the cappuccino maker.  Catching your someone with "THAT look", catching them looking at you - just watching you with a smile on their face.  There are grand gestures & there are the little everyday things that make the sunshine in your day even through the darkest, rainiest of days.

There are so many things that make up a good relationship, romantic & otherwise.  Love, respect, trust, & faithfulness just to name a few.  Ultimately every relationship is unique - it's own entity.  For a relationship to work the people involved need to come together & decide what works for them & what doesn't.

Importance

What's important to you?  In your life, your work, your past, your relationships, your future?

For me, in romantic relationships, there are 3 things that tend to be of priority importance to me.  Beyond the usual/standard important things everybody, including the "experts", agree are required for a successful relationship.  Those being - communication, honesty, faithfulness, sense of humor, respect... you can google the other things the experts say are necessary.

With all those expert things in place & the spark/chemistry/desire....  Once I'm in a relationship the top 3 things that are important to me, that show me love, security, confidence, & importance are: Time, Touch, & Words.

Time - Spending time together.  It doesn't have to be anything grand or even anything special, just time. Sitting in a coffee shop reading different books.  Lounging on the couch watching a movie.  Road trip singing along to the radio.  Walking through town in the rain. Doing laundry or running errands.  A week long vacation to a new location doing something you've never done.  Even taking a nap or sleeping together tangled up like a pretzel.  Simply time spent together. 

Touch - Again something simple that speaks volumes to me.  Holding hands, an arm over your shoulder or mindlessly playing with your hair.  Kisses on your neck, a hand on the small of your back, a long hug that melts tensions away.  There was a movie I saw years ago.  I think it was called "The Story of Us".  It's about a couple that's going through a hard time in their marriage possibly even getting divorced.  There's a line the husband says (referring to when they were in bed sleeping) "As long as our feet touched, I knew we'd be ok".  I can relate to a certain extent.  I always seek out my partner through the night.  I may not touch him every minute of the night, but if I wake up at all, even for 2 seconds I always reach out for him - with a hand, arm, butt, leg or just a foot.  Another reason why I'm a fan of both people sleeping naked - more skin to connect with, to feel, to reach out for.  There's connection in skin, an intimacy in it all.

Words - Something simple, or elaborate.  An epic sonnet professing undying love or a simple sticky note with "missed you" placed on the bathroom mirror.  A "good morning beautiful" text or "love you" whispered as your falling asleep.  Hearing that he thought about you during the day, missed you, thinks your beautiful, loves your little quirks & laughs at your silliness.  Hearing that your special someone is proud of you, impressed by something you said or did.  Respects your thoughts & opinions & asks about them.  Cute pet names & inside jokes.  Willing to share hopes, dreams, fears & plans.  Tells you how he feels about you & confirms what you may have thought based on his actions/gestures. 

Because why not....

Songs stuck in my head (in a good way) -


Lucy Skidmore



Be with you

& for your morning entertainment - 


Whale - Cousin Joe Twoshacks

We have the booty

Excerpt from Fluke by Christopher Moore

"This is why we are the dominant species on the planet, because we have booty."

"Technically, man is not the dominant species.... So man isn't really dominant, whether it's brains or booty."

"Baby, I wasn't saying that man was the dominant species, I was saying that we are the dominant species. Wo-man."

"Because you have booty?"

She wiggled on his lap by way of an answer, then leaned her forehead against his, looked in his eyes.

"Good point," Clay said.

There will always be a debate between the sexes about who really rules the roost, so to say.  Men will claim men do, while without a doubt women will say that they do.  There are those who will side with the other sex saying that "My wife runs this family" or "My husband is the head of our house".  I'm sure all are true & correct.

Personally, I think that a sense of balance is best.  There's nothing better, in my opinion, than a man who would do any & everything for his woman, & a woman who wouldn't think of taking advantage of that fact.  A couple who wants the best for the other & does what they can do to support the other.  Who dream, plan, & wish together for the best life for them as a couple & as individuals.

At the risk of sounding like an O'Henry story {Link} - I hope to have that relationship.  I want to know that I'm #1 to somebody, that they would give anything for me - for what I wanted, what I needed.  That they would be willing to give to me just as much as I would for them.  Not just monetary, that's not where the heart resides - at least not for me.  I want time, touch, & positive loving words.  If you will give me your all, I will wholeheartedly return it & more to you.

Rethinking

• "There is no dishonor in losing the race, there is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose."

Wow.... If that doesn't speak volumes

Quotes that struck me at the time

• "But I'm a racer at heart, & a racer will never let something that has already happened affect what is happening now."

I think then that I certainly need to be more of a racer.  I try to approach things & events as something new, without preconceived ideals or notions.  But let's be honest it's not easy to do.  There are certain triggers - words, phrases, looks, & the like - that immediately take us to another place in time.  One where we were hurt, disappointed, forgotten about or overlooked.  Or where were happy, joyful, blissful, or floating on cloud 9.  When that happens we unconsciously turn back into the person we were then, if only for a moment.  However, the outcome is almost always not the same as it was then, or as we perceive it will be this time.  The test is to move past the soundtrack that's replaying in your head & see where it really goes.  Easier said than done, I know.

• "So much of language is unspoken. So much of language is comprised of looks & gestures & sounds that are not words.  People are ignorant of the vast complexity of their own communication."

This goes perfectly with what I said about a year ago, about texting & important conversations.  There are SO many little nuances that we pick up on without even realizing it!  Just as you wouldn't imagine proposing over a text or email (I hope!) there are some things that just require a face to face conversation.  I know it's not always possible but even talking as opposed to texting/typing is better with the differences in tone & delivery. 

On a night like this

There are times that looking back over the past can be entertaining, painful, insightful, or enlightening.  I've taken a picture a day for a year, twice.  I have to admit it's nice to look over those pictures to get an instant reminder of that particular moment in time - what was going on in the world, my little corner of it, or my state of mind.  Perhaps with this there may be a more telling view into my mind at the moment & for years to come.

Perfection, at least in a relationship, is really a myth.  To quote the saying "there's only 2 imperfect people who are willing to overlook the flaws of the other".  As I told someone just tonight -

"It's better to look for someone who is willing to put the work that is required for a successful relationship & someone who you're willing to do the same for. That the whole of the relationship is worth more than the individual parts."

There's a thought that love & relationships shouldn't be work that they should just be perfect or at least not require work or effort to maintain.  But think about it.  If you want to maintain something, say your house or car or even your hair color, you have to do some kind of maintenance or up keep with it.  Why wouldn't a relationship between 2 different individuals with their own thoughts, hopes, dreams, & feelings take some work to maintain?