Maybe this helps explain...

I can be alone but alone is better with someone you care about.

Fiercely independent?

It can be difficult to explain me to someone else.  I've often said that I'm a contradiction.  The most reality minded dreamer you will meet.  I'm strong but yet sensitive & vulnerable.  I'm independent but yet want someone around.  I want blue skies & sunshine but yet I love the rain storms.

I've claimed for years that I'm fiercely independent.  After talking with a friend I may have to retire the label of "fiercely independent".  I'm independent in the way that I don't NEED someone, I can & do get by on my own just fine, but I want someone.  I enjoy my time to myself but I like just having somebody around.  I can do things by myself, from home projects to entertaining myself, but I'm also able to ask for help or ask someone to do something (still working on the emotional help requests though).

I'm usually up for anything!  Trying a new restaurant, new music, a road trip, meeting new people, new experiences of any kind really.  There's an old country song that has the line "She likes adventure with security" - I always loved that line, it just seemed to fit with how I felt most of the time.

But how do I explain this to someone?  I know there are no hard & fast rules, not everything is all or nothing.  But how to translate that I'm independent but yet I still would rather have you around?  How do I convey that while I don't let it show what you said or did hurt me?  Or that while I'm confident in myself & how I am & how I feel, I still like compliments, validations & reassurances?

Music inspired thoughts

How do you give your heart, give of yourself?  Do you give your whole heart all at once?  Or gradually, piece by piece?  Or do you give your whole heart in the beginning & then over time take back pieces as they do things you don't like?  Do you ever really give your whole heart or do you always hold a piece back, just in case?  I don't know if there's a right way or a wrong way to jump off the cliff into love & relationships.

We all want the idea of unconditional love.  Someone who will love us despite our faults & flaws.  Someone who finds our quirks charming (most of the time anyway) instead of a cause for a fight or a reason to say we're "wrong" or "bad" for having them.  I think it's possible to have that version of unconditional love.  Now don't get me wrong - there are things, comments or actions, that could cause my love to waver or even stop but those things aren't "conditions".  Not in the sense that "If you don't cheat on me then I will love you".  Then I would always be wondering or questioning if that person were true before I could love them that day/week/month.  If/then conditions (if you do/don't to this then I will love you) really have no place in love. 

However, everybody has breaking points or things that are non-negotiable to them in relationships.  Lying, cheating, stealing, to name a few.  But if you are in fear of those things happening that fear begins to taint the time that those things don't happen. 

What's easier to admit to another, your feelings or your mistakes/disappointments?  We always want to "put our best foot forward" but if you think about it it's someone's weaknesses or fears that endears them to us.  I am horrible about showing my weaknesses, the soft underbelly that is me.  I know this & even knowing it doesn't make it easy to let my guard down.

It's all a process...

Spinning my wheels

I drive 3 hours a day, twice a week to get to class.  Currently it's for 2 classes that I'm not largely interested in.  Does not help with the drive.  Autopilot kicks in & I find myself watching the tree tops, scanning for hawks or something else interesting.  Or looking at the tree line for deer in the early morning or evening hours.

I started this "Let's go back to school" thing probably 5 years ago now.  I feel like I'm so close to being done but yet it feels so far away.  If everything goes as planned I should be done in a little over a year from now.  But honestly I've said that a couple times now & things have not gone as planned.  Starting to wonder if it's been a waste of time, energy, effort, & money.  I feel as if I'm just spinning my wheels & not really going anywhere...  On one hand I've come too far to just quit without anything to show for it.  But then again as "bored, restless, & fidgety" as I've felt lately I just don't know.

"Bored, restless, & fidgety" is not a new feeling for me.  It comes and goes without any real pattern.  Usually it means I need a change of scenery, or a shift in routine or perspective.  I do know that being behind on sleep over the past week or so certainly doesn't help.

For the most part I'm pretty content with life as it is.  I generally enjoy my job but I also know that I don't want to it forever - hence, the school thing.  Honestly what I want?  I want to know that after all this, these long 5+ years, that I will finish/pass school & pass my boards.  That I'll find a nursing job that I love, even with the headaches that it will bring.  That my hope/plan will work out - that this annoying frustration, hours upon hours on the highway, lost sleep & sanity will be worth it.  Is that too much to ask?

Well looking back over previous posts this still seems to fit (some that is but not all) Here's the link

Importance, pt. 2

Nothing like waking up at 3:00 in the morning & writing in your head, dozing off & then waking up again only to pick back up where you left off.

Another item to add to the list of important things to me in relationships.

Gestures - Wildflowers picked & given with a smile, coffee & muffin delivery before work, a note tucked in a coat pocket, a mix tape/cd (remember those?!) with songs that remind them of you/your relationship.  Little things that let you know you're thought about, that you're special, wanted, needed, desired.  A lingering kiss when saying good bye that says you don't really want to go.  Being grabbed & kissed with an urgency that leaves you breathless.  Cooking a special meal, brushing the hair out of your face, making the perfect cup of coffee - just like they like it.  I had a woman at work tell me that her husband brings her cappuccino in bed every morning, for the past 10 years or so.  She doesn't even know how to use the cappuccino maker.  Catching your someone with "THAT look", catching them looking at you - just watching you with a smile on their face.  There are grand gestures & there are the little everyday things that make the sunshine in your day even through the darkest, rainiest of days.

There are so many things that make up a good relationship, romantic & otherwise.  Love, respect, trust, & faithfulness just to name a few.  Ultimately every relationship is unique - it's own entity.  For a relationship to work the people involved need to come together & decide what works for them & what doesn't.

Importance

What's important to you?  In your life, your work, your past, your relationships, your future?

For me, in romantic relationships, there are 3 things that tend to be of priority importance to me.  Beyond the usual/standard important things everybody, including the "experts", agree are required for a successful relationship.  Those being - communication, honesty, faithfulness, sense of humor, respect... you can google the other things the experts say are necessary.

With all those expert things in place & the spark/chemistry/desire....  Once I'm in a relationship the top 3 things that are important to me, that show me love, security, confidence, & importance are: Time, Touch, & Words.

Time - Spending time together.  It doesn't have to be anything grand or even anything special, just time. Sitting in a coffee shop reading different books.  Lounging on the couch watching a movie.  Road trip singing along to the radio.  Walking through town in the rain. Doing laundry or running errands.  A week long vacation to a new location doing something you've never done.  Even taking a nap or sleeping together tangled up like a pretzel.  Simply time spent together. 

Touch - Again something simple that speaks volumes to me.  Holding hands, an arm over your shoulder or mindlessly playing with your hair.  Kisses on your neck, a hand on the small of your back, a long hug that melts tensions away.  There was a movie I saw years ago.  I think it was called "The Story of Us".  It's about a couple that's going through a hard time in their marriage possibly even getting divorced.  There's a line the husband says (referring to when they were in bed sleeping) "As long as our feet touched, I knew we'd be ok".  I can relate to a certain extent.  I always seek out my partner through the night.  I may not touch him every minute of the night, but if I wake up at all, even for 2 seconds I always reach out for him - with a hand, arm, butt, leg or just a foot.  Another reason why I'm a fan of both people sleeping naked - more skin to connect with, to feel, to reach out for.  There's connection in skin, an intimacy in it all.

Words - Something simple, or elaborate.  An epic sonnet professing undying love or a simple sticky note with "missed you" placed on the bathroom mirror.  A "good morning beautiful" text or "love you" whispered as your falling asleep.  Hearing that he thought about you during the day, missed you, thinks your beautiful, loves your little quirks & laughs at your silliness.  Hearing that your special someone is proud of you, impressed by something you said or did.  Respects your thoughts & opinions & asks about them.  Cute pet names & inside jokes.  Willing to share hopes, dreams, fears & plans.  Tells you how he feels about you & confirms what you may have thought based on his actions/gestures. 

Rethinking

• "There is no dishonor in losing the race, there is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose."

Wow.... If that doesn't speak volumes

On a night like this

There are times that looking back over the past can be entertaining, painful, insightful, or enlightening.  I've taken a picture a day for a year, twice.  I have to admit it's nice to look over those pictures to get an instant reminder of that particular moment in time - what was going on in the world, my little corner of it, or my state of mind.  Perhaps with this there may be a more telling view into my mind at the moment & for years to come.

Perfection, at least in a relationship, is really a myth.  To quote the saying "there's only 2 imperfect people who are willing to overlook the flaws of the other".  As I told someone just tonight -

"It's better to look for someone who is willing to put the work that is required for a successful relationship & someone who you're willing to do the same for. That the whole of the relationship is worth more than the individual parts."

There's a thought that love & relationships shouldn't be work that they should just be perfect or at least not require work or effort to maintain.  But think about it.  If you want to maintain something, say your house or car or even your hair color, you have to do some kind of maintenance or up keep with it.  Why wouldn't a relationship between 2 different individuals with their own thoughts, hopes, dreams, & feelings take some work to maintain?

Is this what the world has come to?

I like texting.  Who doesn't?  I love the little bits of "Hi I was thinking of you" & the day long conversations & the "Morning sunshine" texts that may be waiting for me when I wake up.  But there is something lost through texting.  Assumptions are too easily made, emotions can be lost or never even seen, & there's a connection that's lost even for all of our being connected.  But when important conversations begin to happen over text & the actual face to face conversation seems to die we as a world will be in trouble.

Have we all gotten to the point that our lives are to be lived in text conversations?  In the 140 characters of Twitter?  Status updates on Facebook?  To be honest I'm not even sure if anyone will find this & actually read it.  Attention spans have become much shorter & I know mine has as well, so it will be interesting to see what happens.

In a world of everybody sharing everything about their life from their sex life, relationships, & what they had for lunch, I find I'm still a fairly private person.  Oddly enough though if asked a question I'm more than willing to share the answer.  Most people though don't ask the questions for fear of the answer or of coming off as too nosy or not knowing what questions to ask.  And yet, I also have a desire to write out my thoughts, feelings and life events in some kind of forum - while maintaining some semblance of anonymity.  I'm an open book, if you ask the questions.  If you believe anything about astrology I guess I come by that trait honestly, being a Cancer.

Ah yes love.... Such a thing that's desired by nearly everyone but yet nearly everyone is afraid of it.  What is it about this emotion that turns people every which way imaginable?  Logically no one would jump off a cliff without a parachute but that's exactly what love requires of us.  There is no guarantee when it comes to love.  Failed relationships & failed marriages abound in the world, with divorce rates higher than the rates of success.  Lord knows I've had my share of failures on that front.  Yes, there were some heartaches but there were some good times.  Overall, I've met some great people who just weren't great for me. 

One of the hardest lessons in life when it comes to love, or the potential for it, is to leap without a net.  To have faith that if you leap the net will appear - to jump & grow wings on the way down.  Some people can't do that & yet they still may find love.  Some people constantly leap & yet are still unable to find what they are searching for.  I refuse to give up on the hope, on the promise, of what may be.  Don't get me wrong I'm still afraid of being hurt, of finding out I'm not enough for someone.  But the alternative is even less appealing.  I'm certainly a work in progress on this and many other things - but that's life.  Really that is the only constant in life, to change, to grow, to develop who & what you are.