A new life -

Years have passed & life has changed and spun around a few times over since I last thought of typing out my thoughts & life.

I graduated with my ADN & then went back to get my BSN almost a year later.

I worked at my "home hospital" for 3 years in the ICU/telemetry unit.

Dating & all the crazy stories to be had from those adventures only to find a great adventure & life partner when I was not even looking.

Began travel nursing in January of 2020, just before this thing called "Covid-19" emerged on the worlds' stage and flipped the world upside down.

Purchased a Class A motor home in October of 2020 & began using it in November of 2020 as my "home away from home" while traveling as a nurse. Benson Ulysses Scout (B.U.S.) started his own new adventure as a traveling nurse & eventually as traveling nurse family home in northern Indiana.

There may never be a reader or 'loyal followers' for this little slice of the internet; especially since the world has moved on to TikTok videos, SnapChat, & whatever else the newest fad is. But this is more for me - a traveling nurse trying to find & live out her life to the best of her enjoyment while helping people along the way & enjoying all the crazy "you-can't-make-this-shit-up" stories & claiming all the happiness there is to find in this world!

Here's to new adventures and whatever that new life entails!

Maybe this helps explain...

I can be alone but alone is better with someone you care about.

Fiercely independent?

It can be difficult to explain me to someone else.  I've often said that I'm a contradiction.  The most reality minded dreamer you will meet.  I'm strong but yet sensitive & vulnerable.  I'm independent but yet want someone around.  I want blue skies & sunshine but yet I love the rain storms.

I've claimed for years that I'm fiercely independent.  After talking with a friend I may have to retire the label of "fiercely independent".  I'm independent in the way that I don't NEED someone, I can & do get by on my own just fine, but I want someone.  I enjoy my time to myself but I like just having somebody around.  I can do things by myself, from home projects to entertaining myself, but I'm also able to ask for help or ask someone to do something (still working on the emotional help requests though).

I'm usually up for anything!  Trying a new restaurant, new music, a road trip, meeting new people, new experiences of any kind really.  There's an old country song that has the line "She likes adventure with security" - I always loved that line, it just seemed to fit with how I felt most of the time.

But how do I explain this to someone?  I know there are no hard & fast rules, not everything is all or nothing.  But how to translate that I'm independent but yet I still would rather have you around?  How do I convey that while I don't let it show what you said or did hurt me?  Or that while I'm confident in myself & how I am & how I feel, I still like compliments, validations & reassurances?

Idle Tuesday ramblings

If I'm listening to music I like I tend to sing along.  Ok - unless I'm in public I sing along.  Here's my problem:  I currently have about 2 hours between classes this semester.  Not too bad as it gives me time to have lunch, do homework &/or study.  But I've plugged in my headphones & listened to youtube & I keep catching myself about ready to start singing along.  This may not be a issue other than I'm sitting outside classrooms with open doors & people constantly walking by.  It's bad enough that I get busted chair dancing I don't need to add my singing along to it!

Not to mention that I'm pretty sure I still get busted for faces I make when I wear my glasses.  I need to keep reminding myself that regular glasses aren't sunglasses - people can see yours eyes.  Oops!

One month left in this semester.... I still wonder if all this is worth it in the end.  Outwardly I can be optimistic about it all - It's just a means to an end; The frustration & headaches will be worth it; Just think of the good I can bring to my future patients; etc.... But in the not-so-quiet of my mind the doubts and insecurities wander in.  But such is the way my mind works - on everything really. 

It doesn't really help that I feel burned out on school.  I just want to be done - done with the drive; done with the homework; done with the studying; done with the extra headaches beyond work, family, & life in general.  Sigh.....

Ham or eggs?

Music inspired thoughts

How do you give your heart, give of yourself?  Do you give your whole heart all at once?  Or gradually, piece by piece?  Or do you give your whole heart in the beginning & then over time take back pieces as they do things you don't like?  Do you ever really give your whole heart or do you always hold a piece back, just in case?  I don't know if there's a right way or a wrong way to jump off the cliff into love & relationships.

We all want the idea of unconditional love.  Someone who will love us despite our faults & flaws.  Someone who finds our quirks charming (most of the time anyway) instead of a cause for a fight or a reason to say we're "wrong" or "bad" for having them.  I think it's possible to have that version of unconditional love.  Now don't get me wrong - there are things, comments or actions, that could cause my love to waver or even stop but those things aren't "conditions".  Not in the sense that "If you don't cheat on me then I will love you".  Then I would always be wondering or questioning if that person were true before I could love them that day/week/month.  If/then conditions (if you do/don't to this then I will love you) really have no place in love. 

However, everybody has breaking points or things that are non-negotiable to them in relationships.  Lying, cheating, stealing, to name a few.  But if you are in fear of those things happening that fear begins to taint the time that those things don't happen. 

What's easier to admit to another, your feelings or your mistakes/disappointments?  We always want to "put our best foot forward" but if you think about it it's someone's weaknesses or fears that endears them to us.  I am horrible about showing my weaknesses, the soft underbelly that is me.  I know this & even knowing it doesn't make it easy to let my guard down.

It's all a process...

1st Day of Spring

I seem to be "ruled" by moods.  If the mood hits for something - from what music to listen to, to cleaning the house I usually find myself following where it leads.  On the other side of this coin though is if I'm just not "feeling it" it's difficult to get me to do it.

This morning after getting put on call I got the hair to sort, pitch &/or donate.  Honestly, I just wanted to throw away whatever it was that I came across that I no longer wanted or needed.  Then the thought comes that I could probably sell some of these items & make some money.  But, come on, realistically - would I take the time to post the items for sale, arrange pick up, (most likely negotiate price, given people's love for an extra deal), & then wait around for someone to pick them up - probably not.  So the donate pile is a little bit bigger than it could be.  

Ok - So I'm not going to spend my time making money on my unwanted stuff.  The next thought that seems to hold me up at times is that I wonder what to do with stuff that has some sentimental connection.  Not always a sentimental meaning but stuff that I can remember was a gift from someone.  If I get ride of "item x" that was a gift from family will they think I didn't appreciate it?  That I didn't like it?  Chances are they probably won't know, or care if I no longer need or use it & decide to pass it along to someone who might.  But these are the thoughts that go through my head at moments like that.  Don't even get me started on things that really have sentimental value & meaning to me.

When the clean, pitch &/or donate mood hits it seems to be of the ADD cleaning variety.  The kind where you spend 6 hours doing but at the end it seems like you didn't really do that much.  That's because I go from room to room, project to project & in the end, while there really has been progress it doesn't always show as well as one spotless room.  Although I do have to say today there was a pretty good dent made in the porch.  There's still cleaning - vacuuming, dusting, & the like - that needs to be done.  But there's the promise of being able to use the porch this summer as just that, the porch.

Spinning my wheels

I drive 3 hours a day, twice a week to get to class.  Currently it's for 2 classes that I'm not largely interested in.  Does not help with the drive.  Autopilot kicks in & I find myself watching the tree tops, scanning for hawks or something else interesting.  Or looking at the tree line for deer in the early morning or evening hours.

I started this "Let's go back to school" thing probably 5 years ago now.  I feel like I'm so close to being done but yet it feels so far away.  If everything goes as planned I should be done in a little over a year from now.  But honestly I've said that a couple times now & things have not gone as planned.  Starting to wonder if it's been a waste of time, energy, effort, & money.  I feel as if I'm just spinning my wheels & not really going anywhere...  On one hand I've come too far to just quit without anything to show for it.  But then again as "bored, restless, & fidgety" as I've felt lately I just don't know.

"Bored, restless, & fidgety" is not a new feeling for me.  It comes and goes without any real pattern.  Usually it means I need a change of scenery, or a shift in routine or perspective.  I do know that being behind on sleep over the past week or so certainly doesn't help.

For the most part I'm pretty content with life as it is.  I generally enjoy my job but I also know that I don't want to it forever - hence, the school thing.  Honestly what I want?  I want to know that after all this, these long 5+ years, that I will finish/pass school & pass my boards.  That I'll find a nursing job that I love, even with the headaches that it will bring.  That my hope/plan will work out - that this annoying frustration, hours upon hours on the highway, lost sleep & sanity will be worth it.  Is that too much to ask?

Well looking back over previous posts this still seems to fit (some that is but not all) Here's the link

Looping

Does your mind ever seem to get stuck on a loop?  That you just keep replaying certain thoughts, ideas, or conversations?  Where you know it's happening but you just can't seem to stop the soundtrack in your mind.  Your thoughts are probably even unlikely, incorrect, or just a product of lack of sleep or lack of food.  Even knowing all this your stuck on the screwed up merry-go-round.

There are times that joining the circus seems like a plausible idea. Obviously, this is not a new thought for me {Link}.  I think at least once a year the circus looks like a good option for a change of scenery or a change of pace.  While I'm always up for a road trip or new adventure, I think this current feeling could be helped by a good (read: 6+ uninterrupted hours) nights sleep.  That & maybe a big hug :)

Kinda like today

We have the booty

Excerpt from Fluke by Christopher Moore

"This is why we are the dominant species on the planet, because we have booty."

"Technically, man is not the dominant species.... So man isn't really dominant, whether it's brains or booty."

"Baby, I wasn't saying that man was the dominant species, I was saying that we are the dominant species. Wo-man."

"Because you have booty?"

She wiggled on his lap by way of an answer, then leaned her forehead against his, looked in his eyes.

"Good point," Clay said.

There will always be a debate between the sexes about who really rules the roost, so to say.  Men will claim men do, while without a doubt women will say that they do.  There are those who will side with the other sex saying that "My wife runs this family" or "My husband is the head of our house".  I'm sure all are true & correct.

Personally, I think that a sense of balance is best.  There's nothing better, in my opinion, than a man who would do any & everything for his woman, & a woman who wouldn't think of taking advantage of that fact.  A couple who wants the best for the other & does what they can do to support the other.  Who dream, plan, & wish together for the best life for them as a couple & as individuals.

At the risk of sounding like an O'Henry story {Link} - I hope to have that relationship.  I want to know that I'm #1 to somebody, that they would give anything for me - for what I wanted, what I needed.  That they would be willing to give to me just as much as I would for them.  Not just monetary, that's not where the heart resides - at least not for me.  I want time, touch, & positive loving words.  If you will give me your all, I will wholeheartedly return it & more to you.

Rethinking

• "There is no dishonor in losing the race, there is only dishonor in not racing because you are afraid to lose."

Wow.... If that doesn't speak volumes

Quotes that struck me at the time

• "But I'm a racer at heart, & a racer will never let something that has already happened affect what is happening now."

I think then that I certainly need to be more of a racer.  I try to approach things & events as something new, without preconceived ideals or notions.  But let's be honest it's not easy to do.  There are certain triggers - words, phrases, looks, & the like - that immediately take us to another place in time.  One where we were hurt, disappointed, forgotten about or overlooked.  Or where were happy, joyful, blissful, or floating on cloud 9.  When that happens we unconsciously turn back into the person we were then, if only for a moment.  However, the outcome is almost always not the same as it was then, or as we perceive it will be this time.  The test is to move past the soundtrack that's replaying in your head & see where it really goes.  Easier said than done, I know.

• "So much of language is unspoken. So much of language is comprised of looks & gestures & sounds that are not words.  People are ignorant of the vast complexity of their own communication."

This goes perfectly with what I said about a year ago, about texting & important conversations.  There are SO many little nuances that we pick up on without even realizing it!  Just as you wouldn't imagine proposing over a text or email (I hope!) there are some things that just require a face to face conversation.  I know it's not always possible but even talking as opposed to texting/typing is better with the differences in tone & delivery. 

On a night like this

There are times that looking back over the past can be entertaining, painful, insightful, or enlightening.  I've taken a picture a day for a year, twice.  I have to admit it's nice to look over those pictures to get an instant reminder of that particular moment in time - what was going on in the world, my little corner of it, or my state of mind.  Perhaps with this there may be a more telling view into my mind at the moment & for years to come.

Perfection, at least in a relationship, is really a myth.  To quote the saying "there's only 2 imperfect people who are willing to overlook the flaws of the other".  As I told someone just tonight -

"It's better to look for someone who is willing to put the work that is required for a successful relationship & someone who you're willing to do the same for. That the whole of the relationship is worth more than the individual parts."

There's a thought that love & relationships shouldn't be work that they should just be perfect or at least not require work or effort to maintain.  But think about it.  If you want to maintain something, say your house or car or even your hair color, you have to do some kind of maintenance or up keep with it.  Why wouldn't a relationship between 2 different individuals with their own thoughts, hopes, dreams, & feelings take some work to maintain?

Is this what the world has come to?

I like texting.  Who doesn't?  I love the little bits of "Hi I was thinking of you" & the day long conversations & the "Morning sunshine" texts that may be waiting for me when I wake up.  But there is something lost through texting.  Assumptions are too easily made, emotions can be lost or never even seen, & there's a connection that's lost even for all of our being connected.  But when important conversations begin to happen over text & the actual face to face conversation seems to die we as a world will be in trouble.

Have we all gotten to the point that our lives are to be lived in text conversations?  In the 140 characters of Twitter?  Status updates on Facebook?  To be honest I'm not even sure if anyone will find this & actually read it.  Attention spans have become much shorter & I know mine has as well, so it will be interesting to see what happens.

In a world of everybody sharing everything about their life from their sex life, relationships, & what they had for lunch, I find I'm still a fairly private person.  Oddly enough though if asked a question I'm more than willing to share the answer.  Most people though don't ask the questions for fear of the answer or of coming off as too nosy or not knowing what questions to ask.  And yet, I also have a desire to write out my thoughts, feelings and life events in some kind of forum - while maintaining some semblance of anonymity.  I'm an open book, if you ask the questions.  If you believe anything about astrology I guess I come by that trait honestly, being a Cancer.

Ah yes love.... Such a thing that's desired by nearly everyone but yet nearly everyone is afraid of it.  What is it about this emotion that turns people every which way imaginable?  Logically no one would jump off a cliff without a parachute but that's exactly what love requires of us.  There is no guarantee when it comes to love.  Failed relationships & failed marriages abound in the world, with divorce rates higher than the rates of success.  Lord knows I've had my share of failures on that front.  Yes, there were some heartaches but there were some good times.  Overall, I've met some great people who just weren't great for me. 

One of the hardest lessons in life when it comes to love, or the potential for it, is to leap without a net.  To have faith that if you leap the net will appear - to jump & grow wings on the way down.  Some people can't do that & yet they still may find love.  Some people constantly leap & yet are still unable to find what they are searching for.  I refuse to give up on the hope, on the promise, of what may be.  Don't get me wrong I'm still afraid of being hurt, of finding out I'm not enough for someone.  But the alternative is even less appealing.  I'm certainly a work in progress on this and many other things - but that's life.  Really that is the only constant in life, to change, to grow, to develop who & what you are. 

Tis the season

It's been about 4 years since I've really had the Christmas spirit.  It will be 4 years ago this January, the 5th, that my dad passed away after a long period of various health issues.  In the time following his death, I got divorced, went back to school taking pre-reqs for the nursing program, got accepted into the nursing program, dove into the depths of online dating, started a new job as a unit tech at the hospital, & failed a rotation of nursing school. 

Divorce - Old news, really not even worth wasting my time on any of the story.  I'm so much better off & far happier than I had been the last few years of my marriage!

School - A hellish nightmare doesn't even begin to cover nursing school!  There's stress & then there's nursing school.  Where every answer is technically correct but you need to get the most correct answer.  It's a life constantly hanging by a thread.  It completely sucked giant hairy monkey balls that I failed a rotation.  Which means that I'm currently out of the program but can reapply & start fresh next fall.  I have one chance to pass next year.  Nursing school will not defeat me, even though it will do its damnedest I will come out with my RN the spring of 2015.

Hospital - I really enjoy my job as a unit tech (CNA, nurses aid, etc...).  That being said I will be very happy to finally be an RN & having the nursing responsibilities.  But by working as a CNA I will have a much better appreciation for the work & help they provide me as a nurse!

Online Dating - Oh my lord!!  Some good, some bad, some just plain creepy.  I think the whole idea of online dating needs to be taken with a block of salt.  With that being said the few guys that I meet the "old fashioned way" ie. at the bar were no prize either!  There will be stories... of that you can be sure!