A new life -

Years have passed & life has changed and spun around a few times over since I last thought of typing out my thoughts & life.

I graduated with my ADN & then went back to get my BSN almost a year later.

I worked at my "home hospital" for 3 years in the ICU/telemetry unit.

Dating & all the crazy stories to be had from those adventures only to find a great adventure & life partner when I was not even looking.

Began travel nursing in January of 2020, just before this thing called "Covid-19" emerged on the worlds' stage and flipped the world upside down.

Purchased a Class A motor home in October of 2020 & began using it in November of 2020 as my "home away from home" while traveling as a nurse. Benson Ulysses Scout (B.U.S.) started his own new adventure as a traveling nurse & eventually as traveling nurse family home in northern Indiana.

There may never be a reader or 'loyal followers' for this little slice of the internet; especially since the world has moved on to TikTok videos, SnapChat, & whatever else the newest fad is. But this is more for me - a traveling nurse trying to find & live out her life to the best of her enjoyment while helping people along the way & enjoying all the crazy "you-can't-make-this-shit-up" stories & claiming all the happiness there is to find in this world!

Here's to new adventures and whatever that new life entails!

Maybe this helps explain...

I can be alone but alone is better with someone you care about.

Fiercely independent?

It can be difficult to explain me to someone else.  I've often said that I'm a contradiction.  The most reality minded dreamer you will meet.  I'm strong but yet sensitive & vulnerable.  I'm independent but yet want someone around.  I want blue skies & sunshine but yet I love the rain storms.

I've claimed for years that I'm fiercely independent.  After talking with a friend I may have to retire the label of "fiercely independent".  I'm independent in the way that I don't NEED someone, I can & do get by on my own just fine, but I want someone.  I enjoy my time to myself but I like just having somebody around.  I can do things by myself, from home projects to entertaining myself, but I'm also able to ask for help or ask someone to do something (still working on the emotional help requests though).

I'm usually up for anything!  Trying a new restaurant, new music, a road trip, meeting new people, new experiences of any kind really.  There's an old country song that has the line "She likes adventure with security" - I always loved that line, it just seemed to fit with how I felt most of the time.

But how do I explain this to someone?  I know there are no hard & fast rules, not everything is all or nothing.  But how to translate that I'm independent but yet I still would rather have you around?  How do I convey that while I don't let it show what you said or did hurt me?  Or that while I'm confident in myself & how I am & how I feel, I still like compliments, validations & reassurances?

Ham or eggs?

Music inspired thoughts

How do you give your heart, give of yourself?  Do you give your whole heart all at once?  Or gradually, piece by piece?  Or do you give your whole heart in the beginning & then over time take back pieces as they do things you don't like?  Do you ever really give your whole heart or do you always hold a piece back, just in case?  I don't know if there's a right way or a wrong way to jump off the cliff into love & relationships.

We all want the idea of unconditional love.  Someone who will love us despite our faults & flaws.  Someone who finds our quirks charming (most of the time anyway) instead of a cause for a fight or a reason to say we're "wrong" or "bad" for having them.  I think it's possible to have that version of unconditional love.  Now don't get me wrong - there are things, comments or actions, that could cause my love to waver or even stop but those things aren't "conditions".  Not in the sense that "If you don't cheat on me then I will love you".  Then I would always be wondering or questioning if that person were true before I could love them that day/week/month.  If/then conditions (if you do/don't to this then I will love you) really have no place in love. 

However, everybody has breaking points or things that are non-negotiable to them in relationships.  Lying, cheating, stealing, to name a few.  But if you are in fear of those things happening that fear begins to taint the time that those things don't happen. 

What's easier to admit to another, your feelings or your mistakes/disappointments?  We always want to "put our best foot forward" but if you think about it it's someone's weaknesses or fears that endears them to us.  I am horrible about showing my weaknesses, the soft underbelly that is me.  I know this & even knowing it doesn't make it easy to let my guard down.

It's all a process...

We have the booty

Excerpt from Fluke by Christopher Moore

"This is why we are the dominant species on the planet, because we have booty."

"Technically, man is not the dominant species.... So man isn't really dominant, whether it's brains or booty."

"Baby, I wasn't saying that man was the dominant species, I was saying that we are the dominant species. Wo-man."

"Because you have booty?"

She wiggled on his lap by way of an answer, then leaned her forehead against his, looked in his eyes.

"Good point," Clay said.

There will always be a debate between the sexes about who really rules the roost, so to say.  Men will claim men do, while without a doubt women will say that they do.  There are those who will side with the other sex saying that "My wife runs this family" or "My husband is the head of our house".  I'm sure all are true & correct.

Personally, I think that a sense of balance is best.  There's nothing better, in my opinion, than a man who would do any & everything for his woman, & a woman who wouldn't think of taking advantage of that fact.  A couple who wants the best for the other & does what they can do to support the other.  Who dream, plan, & wish together for the best life for them as a couple & as individuals.

At the risk of sounding like an O'Henry story {Link} - I hope to have that relationship.  I want to know that I'm #1 to somebody, that they would give anything for me - for what I wanted, what I needed.  That they would be willing to give to me just as much as I would for them.  Not just monetary, that's not where the heart resides - at least not for me.  I want time, touch, & positive loving words.  If you will give me your all, I will wholeheartedly return it & more to you.

On a night like this

There are times that looking back over the past can be entertaining, painful, insightful, or enlightening.  I've taken a picture a day for a year, twice.  I have to admit it's nice to look over those pictures to get an instant reminder of that particular moment in time - what was going on in the world, my little corner of it, or my state of mind.  Perhaps with this there may be a more telling view into my mind at the moment & for years to come.

Perfection, at least in a relationship, is really a myth.  To quote the saying "there's only 2 imperfect people who are willing to overlook the flaws of the other".  As I told someone just tonight -

"It's better to look for someone who is willing to put the work that is required for a successful relationship & someone who you're willing to do the same for. That the whole of the relationship is worth more than the individual parts."

There's a thought that love & relationships shouldn't be work that they should just be perfect or at least not require work or effort to maintain.  But think about it.  If you want to maintain something, say your house or car or even your hair color, you have to do some kind of maintenance or up keep with it.  Why wouldn't a relationship between 2 different individuals with their own thoughts, hopes, dreams, & feelings take some work to maintain?

Is this what the world has come to?

I like texting.  Who doesn't?  I love the little bits of "Hi I was thinking of you" & the day long conversations & the "Morning sunshine" texts that may be waiting for me when I wake up.  But there is something lost through texting.  Assumptions are too easily made, emotions can be lost or never even seen, & there's a connection that's lost even for all of our being connected.  But when important conversations begin to happen over text & the actual face to face conversation seems to die we as a world will be in trouble.

Have we all gotten to the point that our lives are to be lived in text conversations?  In the 140 characters of Twitter?  Status updates on Facebook?  To be honest I'm not even sure if anyone will find this & actually read it.  Attention spans have become much shorter & I know mine has as well, so it will be interesting to see what happens.

In a world of everybody sharing everything about their life from their sex life, relationships, & what they had for lunch, I find I'm still a fairly private person.  Oddly enough though if asked a question I'm more than willing to share the answer.  Most people though don't ask the questions for fear of the answer or of coming off as too nosy or not knowing what questions to ask.  And yet, I also have a desire to write out my thoughts, feelings and life events in some kind of forum - while maintaining some semblance of anonymity.  I'm an open book, if you ask the questions.  If you believe anything about astrology I guess I come by that trait honestly, being a Cancer.

Ah yes love.... Such a thing that's desired by nearly everyone but yet nearly everyone is afraid of it.  What is it about this emotion that turns people every which way imaginable?  Logically no one would jump off a cliff without a parachute but that's exactly what love requires of us.  There is no guarantee when it comes to love.  Failed relationships & failed marriages abound in the world, with divorce rates higher than the rates of success.  Lord knows I've had my share of failures on that front.  Yes, there were some heartaches but there were some good times.  Overall, I've met some great people who just weren't great for me. 

One of the hardest lessons in life when it comes to love, or the potential for it, is to leap without a net.  To have faith that if you leap the net will appear - to jump & grow wings on the way down.  Some people can't do that & yet they still may find love.  Some people constantly leap & yet are still unable to find what they are searching for.  I refuse to give up on the hope, on the promise, of what may be.  Don't get me wrong I'm still afraid of being hurt, of finding out I'm not enough for someone.  But the alternative is even less appealing.  I'm certainly a work in progress on this and many other things - but that's life.  Really that is the only constant in life, to change, to grow, to develop who & what you are.